Story Time by Ryan.

Forward by Ram: My old highschool friend Ryan, who recently graduated from Syracuse University in NY told me this story in Las Vegas outside the Belagio a few months ago while we were waiting for the fountain show to begin (it never did, son of a bitch bastard). I thought it was hilarious and wanted it saved on my blog. While this written form is a valid explanation of the story, the full hilarity of the story can only be known if you hear him tell it. He also cannot spell at all and wrote the first half whole of the story drunk. I edited it somewhat to correct some spelling and any comments I have to add will be in [italics].

Hey my name is Ryan and I was asked to retell a story that happened to me for my boy rammy's blog thing. This story takes place over the course of about three years and its pretty fucking long... not to mention that I am kind of drunk right now so bear with me.

It all began on a random ass weekend during which we (all the springfield [our highschool] heads) decided to come home from college to chill. I had just turned 21 so it was at the beginning of junior year, 2003. My house, or rather my basement, has always been our drinking spot because my mom doesnt care. Well actualy she is in bed by 6pm because she is old ass but that is a totaly different set of stories [actually, I have already written a couple stories about Ryan's mom, Mrs. K]. The night was going well and from what I can remember we were all fairly sloshed. We decided to walk to wawa which is about seven to fifteen city blocks depending on wind speed and direction.

Earlier that day my neighborhood had had the anual block party and whoever was in charge of beer decided it would be a good idea to leave two kegs out on the side on the street. Well, as we are walking to wawa we pass the two kegs and immediatly make plans to steal the shit out of them on the way home. We make our way to wawa, get our shit, and were off to finish the evening with the unexpected night cap. We get to the kegs and me and Doug haul one of them shits back to my garage.

The kegs were only quarters so if you have ever seen them they have a big fucking cork in the bottom that is used, I am guessing, as a spot to refill said keg. Well, as the obvious point of entry, we pulled out a hammer (which also belonged to Doug) and start to wail away on this cork untill it was pushed it into the bowels of the thing. Proud as shit of ourselves, and still drunk to boot, we ran and got cups so we could enjoy the fruits of our labor. With doug pouring I was able to fill the cups. We tosted to world peace and drank..... Fucking Root Beer. [it was pretty good root beer]

At this point there was only one solution: steal the other keg. We ran back down the street to the spot of the block party. I hoist the other one on to my sholder and we begin to walk back. About fifty yards down the road we hear someone yell "Hey Stop!" We turn to see a man on the front lawn of the house where the kegs were, shaking an angry fist. Doug looks at me, hisses "drop it man" and takes off. Clearly I had only one choice and that was to keep the thing on my sholder and run back to my house. As I come panting up my driveway dougy boy is waiting for me laughing because I still had the damn keg.

Back into my garage we went to bust in the second cork. One thing I forgot to mention was the sound that this thing made every time it was struck with the hammer. I mean we could have put Quazimodo to shame. The other half dozen people that were waiting in my house came out as soon as they heard us back at work. We once again managed to bust in the cork to find that this one was full not of root beer, but of some quality pale ale. Cups poured, we all went back into the basement completely oblivious to the deep shit we were in.

[I almost forgot that I had a famous picture of this thanks to my trusty phone (the one I killed in a toilet awhile back). Doug on left, Ryan on right. The date is 10/5/03 3:18am]

After about fourty five minutes of merryness and cheer Sara decides she has had enough fun for one night and tells us all she is heading out. Acompanied by our friend Jeff, who was also trying to leave, they head out to the street where all the cars are parked. As Jeff was headed down the driveway to the house he was stopped in his tracks by at least two spotlights bearing down on him. I dont know what tipped the cops off. It might have been that there were about seven cars parked in front of my house. Or perhapse it was that I only live about eight houses down from the spot where we stole the kegs. Regardless, the savy investigatory skills of springfields finest managed to lead them right to Jeff. Cornered, they told him that they knew that two kegs had been stolen and that they were inside my house. Not about to deny it, Jeff headed back up to my place with four officers in toe.

By some luck of the draw, Sara was walking some paces behind Jeff and sees the cops are coming. Before the cops see her, she sprints back downstairs to inform us all that jeff had guests. After a few moments of panicked deliberation all of our friends begin a quick clean up of the basment while I go up stairs to head them off at the pass. I get to my back door to find Jeff and his entourage waiting. Now, unknown to me, about ten minutes earlier Ram had decided to go up to take a piss.[I actually went upstairs to the bathroom to play with a bunch of kittens being kept in the bathroom. Ryan's mom is a cat lady.] The cops bully their way into the house (which I now know thanks to matlock to be illegal without a warrant) and start asking questions. As I am doing my best to answer Ram strolls in not having any warning of the situation. Sensing this weakness, two of them corner Ram and ask him for his name and ID. Obviously Ram thought the best plan of action was to refuse their request which just pissed them off more. [I had no idea what was going on and was very hesitant to give random police officers my name or id. I don't know the law (still don't) but I suspect you don't really have to give them ID's or names if you are inside private property like that. The conversation was something like this when I walked out to the dark hallway with 2 bright lights shining on me:

Cops: Who are you? What is your name?
Ram: Umm, who are you?
Cops [annoyed]: We are police officers, what is your name?
Ram: Yeah...ok, what is going on here?
Cops [more annoyed]: What is your name! Show us your id.
Ram: Right, do I really legally have to give you my name or id?
I was worried about all of the underage drinking occuring downstairs, so I was heistent to give any info without knowing why they were there. I also didn't know of the major cleanup happening downstairs.]

We all headed downstairs to the rest of the party and in their credit they had done a damn fine job of cleaning. The basement showed no sign of a party and therefore the cops didnt ID any of the others wich was good because, ram, jeff, waxbrain, and I were the only ones of age. Actualy come to think of it they never even got rammy to show them his ID which baffels me. Trying to be cooperative as possible I showed them into my garage where the two kegs sat waiting. They actualy chuckeled when I explained to them that the first keg had been filled with root beer. Two of them actually seemed pretty cool but the sergent, or who ever the fuck he was, was a real hard ass. He told me that I had to take the kegs back immediatly. In addition he told us all that they would be waiting at either end of my street and if any of us left before dawn they would give us a sobrioty test (which im sure was bull shit).

As I took full resposibility for the kegs they had nothing more to say to the rest. I headed out through the garage with them and shouldered one of the kegs. Feeling their jobs were complete the ranking officers departed leaving only the rookie to write me up my ticket. I walked the kegs back and joined the remaining cop out by his car. He told me not to worry, that he would mention on the ticket that we cooperated and that the judge would most likely just slap me on the wrist and give me a small fine. Handing me the ticket he got in the car and left.

Phew, I hope your still with me...
Weeks later I recieved a letter in the mail anouncing that my court date was set for december the twelth I went back to college and as the weeks pased the whole fiasco slipped from my mind. My mom, determined to wash her hands of the whole thing, told me nothing of the reminder that came in the mail only a week before the date of my hearing. If you have ever met me then it is no suprise that I absolutly missed the hearing and not until I recieved a letter in the mail over the chrismas holiday's did I realize my error. The letter read something like: 'Ryan, your failure to appear in court on the scheduled date has resulted in an appointment for you to pay the maximum fine.' The maximum fine being 500 some odd dollars. Seeing as they had done me a great injustice I called the court house and was able to set an appeal hearing.

After another few weeks I once again got a letter from them saying that my appeal hearing was now set for december 2004 (about a year and a half after the whole thing had gone down). Back to school I went... Winter turned into spring, spring into summer, summer into fall, and all of the sudden it was december again. Now you might be thinking 'I know this kid is a retard for missing his court date but there is no way he could possibly miss it again.' Well you would have thought wrong. I remember it the day of the date and call the court house to find that my hearing had been that morning. After giving some bull shit sob story about how it had been scheduled on an exam day, and that i had never recieved a letter giving me an exact date I was told that I might have one last hope. I was to write a letter to the judge asking for a second appeal hearing. So I write this long letter saying that I am a student, and that the date was scheduled during an exam, and that I couldnt make it home because of snow, and any other bull shit I could come up with. And believe you me it fucking works. The judge writes me back saying that he understands my position and that he would allow me one last shot to appeal. So hearing number three has now been set for mid summer 2005 (2 years after the incident).

This is where the whole thing gets out of hand. So, determined not to forget my final hearing I make every effort to remind myself, and believe it or not it works. On the day of the hearing (which is set for 9:30 am) I get all dressed up in my finest attire and head out to norristown where the courthouse is. I get there fashionably early and find that I am the first person there. After having some problems going through the metal detector because of my fucking belt buckle, I find court room six. For some reason I knew it was gona be a rough day the second I walked in there. Maybe it was the vom stain just as im walking through the door. Maybe it was the fact that all I have in my hand is a docket slip telling me where to go. Things just didnt feel right.

So I walk into the court room and am, like I said, the first person in there; other than this old dude, three people who I think were witnesses, a few courtly people that im sure were important, and the bailifs. I walk up to the front of the stadium seating (which I must add was verry plush) and look for someone to announce my presence to. The closest person, and the first to make eye contact with me, was the old dude. He mosies over to me and asks "Yes?"

Me:"Hi, my name is Ryan and im hear for my appeal hearing."
Old dude [checks his shit]: "Yes, you right here, your first on the list. You can have a seat right there if you want to." "Right there" being the front row of the seating where us criminals were suposed to chill.
So I take my seat in the front row and spend about ten minutes just looking around. One thing I notice is that the court room is slowly filling as the minutes tick away. And being the intellectual that I am a pattern arises. Every person that walks into this court room is accompanied by another person in a suit. Quickly I find that the suit wearers are attornies.Well, not liking this at all (as I have no one with a suit) I decide to go bug the old dude again. I stand up and make some gestures that I need to speek with him and he heads over.
Old dude: "Yes."
Me:" ummm, am I going to have to speek?"
Old dude: "Where is your attorny?"
Me: "Attorny?"
The old dude looks at me kind of cock eyed and says "do you have an attorny?"
Me: "No."
The old dude kind of laughs and says "Well, if you dont speek on your behalf no one will."

This is when the panic starts to set in. He turns his back and retires to his desk and I sit the fuck back down. At this point there is still about half an hour untill my trial and as the time goes by I am getting more and more afraid. Then a revolation hits me that should have occured about sixteen months prior. 'Doesnt an appeal hearing mean that I am pleadiong not guilty." Leave it to me to have not thought about this one but, Clearly I was guilty, I had admited to the cops to being guilty. All I really wanted to do was get the fine droped. The only conclusion I could come to in my head was 'what the fuck am I doing here.' In official panic mode I get back up and make my slight arm flails again to get the old dude's attention as he seems to know what the hell was up. He see's me and heads back over.

Me: "So ummm, im supposed to be pleading not guilty right."
Dramatic pause.
Old Dude: "This is an appeal hearing, yes of corse."
Me: "Well im not really trying to pread not guilty, I mean, cuz I am.......... guilty."
Old Dude: "Well what happened?"
I give him an abreviated story of the events leading up to that day including the the incident itself. The guy waits patiently untill the end and says:
Old Dude: "No no, I meant why are you here. I'm not the person you should be telling this story to, I am the prosecuter. I am the one who will be arguing against you on behalf of the arresting officer."

This is when I shat my pants. This old dude who I thought was helping me to not look like a fool turned out to be the guy that was gonna try to screw me. And now, I had told him my entire argument and that I didnt even have an attorny. So, in a daze, I sit back down and he goes back to his desk... the prosecuters desk. So im sitting there and the only thing I can think to do is run. Just get up and roll out. I mean the worst that happens is that they give me the same fine I already had. I am about to get up when the old dude turns and walks back over to me.

Old dude, sorry I mean prosicuter: "Ok, here is what im gona do, since you arent trying to plead not guilty, and you are obviously way out of your league, I am going to save us both some time. I am going to cut you fine in half and that will be that."
At this point my brain is screaming 'SETTLE!!!!!' So I tell the guy that it sounded good to me (trying to remain calm cool and collective). He tells me that he needs to go take care of a few things and asks for me to follow him as he leads me into this little side room which I assume was his office. His pulls me up a seat and then leaves the room. Just when I am starting to feel like things might just be all right the door opens again. But this time it isnt the old dude; its officer hard ass. The very cop that was such a jack ass in my basement (who I have not seen in two years) walks in and says:

Cop: "I remember you!"
I crap my pants a second time.
He walks over and looks down at me.
Cop:"Been staying out of trouble?"
Me:"Yes" I say to him.
Cop:"I hope so. You know you have missed your hearing twice."
It then hits me like a ton of bricks that this guy must have had to come all the way out to norristown for both of my previous court dates, not knowing that I was actually passed out on someones front lawn in syracuse.
Me: "I know. I'm really sorry if you had to come out here for those. I had no intention of stiffing you. Its just they kept schedualing the hearings on the very days that I had final exams."
Cop:"Are you in college then?"
Me:"Yea, I go to Syracuse in New York."
Cop:"Ahhh good school, your basketball team didnt do so well in the tournament this year. What is your major?"
Me:"Aerospace engineering"
Cop:"Really? Well I was just talking to the prosacuter and he said you weren't pleading not guilty. What is that all about?"
Me:"Well, it's just that they gave me the maximum fine for missing my first court date. I just got accepted into grad school a few months ago and now more then ever I can ill afford to pay $500 for a fine that was going to be only about $40.You see, I was covered for undergrad through scholarships but I have to pay for grad school on my own."
Cop[For the first time this guy looks at me like im not some punk ass little kid.]:"Yea, I know what you mean. I have a son that is going to La Salle right now and a daughter that is going to be goin off to school after this year."
Me[I give him the face like I actualy care.]:"yea, its rough now a days. Syracuse costs like 36K per year for undergrad."
The cop changes directions.
Cop:"Well the prosecuter said that he was gonna cut the fine in half. That should help."
Me:"Yea but the fine isn't the only thing I was worried about. I really dont want to have this on my record. I mean as an engineer, if I want to get a government job or any of that stuff I need to have a clean record."
Cop:"Yea.. but they usualy will give you a young, dumb, and stupid strike."
I look down ready to accept that he wasnt gona give any more and say "yea..."
He seemed to watch me for a minute or two then he turns to walk out. Half way to the door he turns back to me and asked something I will never forget. Something so unexpected I couldnt even answer at first:
Cop:"What CD do you have in your car?"
........
Me:"What?"
Cop:"Do you have a CD player in your car?"
Me:"Yes"
Cop:"Well what CD is in your car?"
If I remember crrectly it was Marshal Mathers LP but I wasnt about to tell him that. Quick goat thinking i'm like:
Me: "The Allman Brothers!" (middle aged guys always love the Allman Brothers)
Cop [looking shocked]:"What album."
Me:"Eat a Peach."

He grins at me then exits the room. A minute or two go by then the door opens and in walks the prosecuter again. He no longer had the slow swager to him. He seemed very upright and buisness like. He comes over to me and says "The officer in question feels that you have changed. He is under the impression that this has been a one time offense and has therefore decided to drop all charges." I was so shocked a asked "Are you sure?" as if to give him a chance to take it back. He nods and tells me that he will call me to the stand. He says he will tell the judge the charges have been droped and that will be that. Well I am now on clowd nine. I mean half an hour before I was about to run for it and now im off scott free. Absolutly unable to supress a grin I head back out to my seat which seems much more comfortable than it did before. Looking around at all the these other suckers just made me laugh. I mean I was openly laughing at people I was so happy with myself. A few more minutes pass and the room gets called to quiet.

"The honerable Judge Reinhold (or whatever his name was) residing, all rise." Blah blah blah, I didnt give a crap cuz I was free. They go through the courtroom mumbojumbo and finaly we all sit. Now, like I just said everything seemed much funnier now. Where a few minutes ago this would have been a very stressfull time for me I was instead chuckling at the stupid little formalities that all the suits had to follow. Only about thirty seconds after I sit back down the jusd asks the prosicuter to get things started.

The prosecuter says "The first case is that of ryan vs. the commonwealth of pennsylvania". Silence. I am sitting there looking around when I become aware that the prosecuter has turned to stare at me. I grin and nod as if the fact that I got off was a little private joke that I was waiting for him to announce. I then relize that he along with everyone else (about 20 court people, 4 bailifs, 25 accused criminals, and their suits) are staring at me waiting for me to take the stand. I jump up and head down the row without the faintest clue what im supposed to be doing. I get to the little knee high gate thing and this balif who was about six foot six, two hundred and eighty pounds, lets me into the court area. I slowly wander right through the middle of all of these fucking people looking at me and head to the only empty desk. I get there and sit down still smiling because no matter how confused I was I knew I was getting off.
Silence. I look around to find that the prosecuter is giving me the upward head twitch that meant that I was supposed to be standing. I stand back up.

Finally the jugde, looking annoyed already looks at me and says in a booming voice,
Judge:"Ryan, how do you plead?"
Me[With a big dumb fucking grin]:"Guilty!"
The look that this judge gives me was fucking priceless. I mean he had already waited like two minutes for me to get to the stand. And when he asks me during my appeal hearing (which exists so that I Can plead not guilty) I am doing exactly the opposite. In addition a consistant hum of wispering is now coming from the peanut gallery because all of the people in the "stands" are wondering what the hell is going on. Now thoroughly convinced that I am a god damn moron, the judge turns back to the prosacuter and says:
Judge:"Do you have any statements?"
Prosecuter[looking him right in the eye]:"The state has decided to drop all charges against Ryan."
For a few seconds the judge looked like he thought he was getting punked. The hum of the peanut gallery grew to confused talking. When his honor see's that the prosecuter is not joking he turns back to me and says in a voice like he had given up:
Judge: "All right, have you payed any fines yet Ryan."
Me:"No"
Judge:"Very well, the secretary here will fill out your court recipt and you will be free to go."

He motions over to a chick sitting at a desk to his left. So naturaly I get up and walk over to her. This was not the right move. It must have looked like a was aproaching the bench because the judge leans forward as if to answer a question of mine. I then become aware that I was supposed to go and sit down untill it was ready and then it would be given to me. In a very awkward moment I turn my back on the expecting judge and walk back through the middle of the court room to the knee high gate where I came in. All or this only to find the huge balif guy blocking my way. He points to a gate on the other side and says "you have to exit that way." All of this time everyone is watching me because they cant call the next person untill I am out of there. So they all watch me walk back through the middle of the court scene to the correct gate and exit. I took so long walking around that the secratary practically beat me to the gate. She gave me my recipt and turned. Assuming I was free to go I headed for the exit. I was practically running by the time I got there. So out I went, happy as hell but still a little confused as to what had just happened.

Why I deserved to get that lucky, I have no idea and never will. But I do know one thing, I will never go to court again without my very own guy in a suit.