KRONOS Training Day
Ok. So this whole blog thing about what was technically a "boring" day in my work week and life was actually my idea. So if it's sub-par you can completely blame me. I work in a behavioral and mental health service company in the Human Resources Department. I've been around for about a month, but this past wednesday it was my turn to go on leave for KRONOS training. KRONOS is the new computer program for HR managers and other personel that cover mental health care workers and psychologists. Just from its explanation, you can tell that it's incredibly boring and i was signed up for a full 8 hour day of learning everything about it. First of all, it was in Plymouth Meeting and while I didn't know how to get there, I decided late in the morning that hitting the snooze button 5 times hurt my chances of being on time considering I get lost no matter what the scenario.
Miraculously, I not only got there with 5 minutes to spare, I found the building and floor and offices on the first try. I was so proud of myself in fact that I failed to notice, as I walked in, that I was training with 19 middle aged women and Horatio Sanz. Here's what's annoying about seminars, no matter where you are. The host or trainer will ALWAYS tell you that unlike a normal training day, he/she plans on "letting you out a little early". If you've been to one of these, even something remotely related to this type of session you know that not only is that not true, you are destined to leave later than you originally thought. This red flag went off in my head immediately, but seeing as how she said she had to catch a plane after the session, I took our trainer's word for it this time for some reason.
We have to talk about this woman first actually. She seemed wirey and screws-loose when i first walked in, but after a small bit i realized she was fully neurotic and crazy. I figured this would at least keep me awake as I had been getting very sleep lately and this was bound to be a little boring.
I was wrong about all that. As the first hour went by, I found out that it was actually incredibly boring and I was having a very very difficult time keeping my eyes open. I've been in this scenario before in any class I took ever in school so i knew what to do: Tighten your face to an extreme condition and raise your eyebrows up in hopes of somehow lifting your eyelids without actually using them. It came as a great shock to me when this technique failed me after about 30 to 45 seconds. It was embarassing too, if you understand, because here I am trying to do something professional and it's as if I'm in 8th grade looking out the window (which was only where i was sitting in the back of the room) and falling asleep on my desk. Finally I figure I have one last chance before falling on the floor and letting security take me out of the building. I try to constantly move my position in my seat to maybe keep my body awake.
This was the first of many disturbances caused by me and I was rarely professional for the rest of the day. The sad thing was that I had the whole day ahead of me as it was maybe 10 oclock. We were sitting at these metal table desk things, two to a table/desk, and it was the kind of flabby metal that really makes an obnoxious noise when something bangs into it (don't make fun of me for not knowing types of metals. I don't make fun of you for not knowing any United States Vice-Presidents). The point is that as I shifted drastically in my seat, i accidentally kicked this thing and it let out a huge CLANG! noise that pierced the ears of everyone in the building. Granted, I was embarassed, but at least I was in the back of the room so only my desk partner, Jesse the quiet mexican woman could look at me with contempt. Once again i was WRONG. Normally, when teaching a seminar or giving a speech, when something very loud and distracting happens, it's custom to pretend you didn't hear it and everyone in the audience will go with your leadership and also pretend they didn't hear it (it's like babies crying in church, or even REALLY loud cell phones in class at college). Skitza the neurotic woman teaching the seminar did not get this memo. By the way, I've named her Skitza as i have forgotten her real name.
"What the HELL was that?!?" this woman blurts out, stopping her session and forcing everyone in the room to turn around and look at me even though they all know pretty much what it was and how uneventful the whole thing was in the grand scheme of life. However, Skitza had set the stage and now there was nothing to do but try to see the shameful face of the boy who stood out like a sore thumb anyway. I really never had a protocol for this type of discomfort. I just kind of waved and gave a face like, "Oh these damn crazy desks right? They always get ya." Skitza gave the maximum allowable time for people to glare at me, then everyone got kind of bored and turned back to the front. Skitza still could not absolve me in this situation because she had completely lost where she was in the training for some reason and let the room sit in silence as she struggled with life and sanity even though I could have easily told her she was talking about promotion changes and personal accounts. I obviously couldn't make a peep though, as I was the asshole from the infamous noise scandal 10 seconds prior.
Now after a minute or two, i can tell everyone is thinking, "JESUS. We're never gonna get out of here on time". This is funny because when Skitza originally told us about leaving early, everyone was celebratory and banded together as a community of middle aged people who all can relate to wanting to go home even 30 minutes early. HOWEVER, once Skitza started, all ANYONE could do was ask series of never-ending questions that were ridiculous and uncalled for. I'm sitting there thinking, "hey, sweet! if you love leaving early so much, maybe you should just shut your mouth" but i was patient and professional. Amongst this crowd, only one person knew to be quiet and let Skitza go crazy for a few hours and then have lunch. This was of course, Horatio. The problem with him however, was that he was the I.T. guy for all these programs and knew them inside and out. Why he was there, I don't know. Somehow he had not actually gone through official training for application of the program. He took it upon himself to answer everybody's question before Skitza could talk and even answer questions nobody asked. So between the crazy 45 year old biddies and Horatio Sanz, the REAL disturbance was everyone BUT me. If this seminar was a sitcom, it would be a cross between something like "golden girls" and "Horatio Sanz explains it all".
I was getting so restless that when the time came to practice the applications of KRONOS, I was all excited because I could DO anything at all. Now let me say this about our generation. And if you can find one take-home message in this droning story going nowhere make sure it's this:
NO ONE in our PARENT'S generation has any NATURAL competence, intelligence, or skill with computers or programs compared to ANYONE in our generation. Even a guy like me, who has no formal practice, training, or computer knowledge has significantly more ability and skill with any new concept or program thrown at me than anyone else in the room. This is very cool normally because it's just in our generations' make-up and experience. However, when risking an outcome of staying in a hostile office environment until sun-up, it suuuuucks.
Originally, I thought it was funny. Skitza made a joke about how some moron the day before didn't even know how to double-click on a program icon. I thought it was a tremendous laugh. In fact, it was only after my loud, "Haa Haaaaaaaaa yeahhh" that I realized i was the only one laughing and now everyone hated me just a little more. It's cool though, cuz I hated them. As I quite easily picked up different steps of the program, I noticed that everyone was flipping out and yelling at Skitza and each other, freaking out, asking questions quicker than Skitz could answer them. As we tried to move on to different levels of this thing, more and more people found more and more problems. I was so floored with their inability I didn't know what to do with myself. I was falling out of my chair, looking around the room for anyone who could relate to my amazement. I even found myself looking out the window as if some floating superhero would be passing by and go, "yeah tad. these heads are fuckin pathetic."
When I calmed down and just decided to play around in the system, things actually got much worse. I had so much time on my hands that I started changing components and teaching myself new things that Skitz hadn't taught me. There's this piece of every person's account on KRONOS called (not making this up) Collective Operations Benefits Redemption Account, or as it was titled, COBRA. Without thinking or even considering what I was saying, I turn to Jesse the quiet mexican woman and with a cool but animated attitude go, "Hey. Check out my COBRA Status." Why I said that, I don't know. I mean there literally was a data entry called "Cobra status" so maybe subconsciously I thought it was funny. But WHY i blurted it out to Jesse the now frightened and recoiled mexican woman, I have no idea. I just didn't consider the implications. So while I was already the evil outcast to everyone in the room, especially the trainer, I was now also a creepy molester, and it wasn't even lunch time yet.
Things just went downhill from there. Uncomfortable about the cobra situation, I started to get flustered and accidentally kicked the metal desk again. While I got the whole room to look back for a second time, I ignored them and just tried to keep things comfortable with this frightened woman. "Hehe...I have big feet", I state with a shrug. .........a TERRIBLE thing to say to this woman who already thinks i'm a sex offender. I freak out, try to turn back to my computer, and accidentally kick the metal desk again.
It actually gets worse. I couldn't help but find humor in the whole series of events that had already happened. I had made things sooo uncomfortable for myself and there was way too much time left in the seminar. As Skitz goes back to talking, I try to keep my attention squarely on her so she doesn't think i'm any more of a problem. Immediately though, I start holding back laughter as I recap everything that had just happened. Skitz stops mid-sentence and goes, "what's funny?". I was thrown off-guard. I hadn't been put in this situation since highschool I think. What was the protocol back then? Did we say "nothing". Did we make something up? I was frozen. So I just go, "Oh. I'm sorry nothing. I was just thinking about ....umm.....the benefits department." Which was CLEARLY a lie. There's nothing more boring and UNfunny than benefits/payroll. THEN, Skitz continued her rant. "Well I just don't like the shit-eating grin. That's all".............She said that. Verbatim. This is a business seminar. I'm thinking, am I going to get into a brawl with this psycho woman here in my suit and tie?
My job is problem resolution and assorting difficult situations and solutions. I try to ease the situation slowly.
"No skitz. I understand. It was just something funny that I thought of. Completely separate from KRONOS. I apologize"
"Look. I just wanna get through all this so i can make my flight back to Boston at 5:30."
Why don't I ever shut up? Immediately my brain tells me to stay with the conversation.
"Philadelphia international?"
"Yeah. What else would i take?!"
"It LEAVES at 5:30?..........You're never gonna make it."
Well that did it. All hell broke loose. I'm not exaggerating. Skitz flew off the handle. "I know how to drive!! I know how to travel!! i'm from BOSTON! I've made flights in HALF the time!" Some people started trying to give her directions. Some started telling her how to change flights without paying money. One woman starting yelling about how she still couldn't figure out parts to KRONOS, i'm assuming because she feared a breakdown in the seminar.
Well, she was right. Skitz attempted to start the seminar back up, but became flustered and canceled everything by about 3:30. We all passed training and got to leave. It was beautiful. I, the annoying, disruptive, villian of the day had set all these pathetic workers free and become a hero amongst them all. I was very happy with how things turned out. I defeated the evil Skitza and proved my worth with 100% COBRA status.
Miraculously, I not only got there with 5 minutes to spare, I found the building and floor and offices on the first try. I was so proud of myself in fact that I failed to notice, as I walked in, that I was training with 19 middle aged women and Horatio Sanz. Here's what's annoying about seminars, no matter where you are. The host or trainer will ALWAYS tell you that unlike a normal training day, he/she plans on "letting you out a little early". If you've been to one of these, even something remotely related to this type of session you know that not only is that not true, you are destined to leave later than you originally thought. This red flag went off in my head immediately, but seeing as how she said she had to catch a plane after the session, I took our trainer's word for it this time for some reason.
We have to talk about this woman first actually. She seemed wirey and screws-loose when i first walked in, but after a small bit i realized she was fully neurotic and crazy. I figured this would at least keep me awake as I had been getting very sleep lately and this was bound to be a little boring.
I was wrong about all that. As the first hour went by, I found out that it was actually incredibly boring and I was having a very very difficult time keeping my eyes open. I've been in this scenario before in any class I took ever in school so i knew what to do: Tighten your face to an extreme condition and raise your eyebrows up in hopes of somehow lifting your eyelids without actually using them. It came as a great shock to me when this technique failed me after about 30 to 45 seconds. It was embarassing too, if you understand, because here I am trying to do something professional and it's as if I'm in 8th grade looking out the window (which was only where i was sitting in the back of the room) and falling asleep on my desk. Finally I figure I have one last chance before falling on the floor and letting security take me out of the building. I try to constantly move my position in my seat to maybe keep my body awake.
This was the first of many disturbances caused by me and I was rarely professional for the rest of the day. The sad thing was that I had the whole day ahead of me as it was maybe 10 oclock. We were sitting at these metal table desk things, two to a table/desk, and it was the kind of flabby metal that really makes an obnoxious noise when something bangs into it (don't make fun of me for not knowing types of metals. I don't make fun of you for not knowing any United States Vice-Presidents). The point is that as I shifted drastically in my seat, i accidentally kicked this thing and it let out a huge CLANG! noise that pierced the ears of everyone in the building. Granted, I was embarassed, but at least I was in the back of the room so only my desk partner, Jesse the quiet mexican woman could look at me with contempt. Once again i was WRONG. Normally, when teaching a seminar or giving a speech, when something very loud and distracting happens, it's custom to pretend you didn't hear it and everyone in the audience will go with your leadership and also pretend they didn't hear it (it's like babies crying in church, or even REALLY loud cell phones in class at college). Skitza the neurotic woman teaching the seminar did not get this memo. By the way, I've named her Skitza as i have forgotten her real name.
"What the HELL was that?!?" this woman blurts out, stopping her session and forcing everyone in the room to turn around and look at me even though they all know pretty much what it was and how uneventful the whole thing was in the grand scheme of life. However, Skitza had set the stage and now there was nothing to do but try to see the shameful face of the boy who stood out like a sore thumb anyway. I really never had a protocol for this type of discomfort. I just kind of waved and gave a face like, "Oh these damn crazy desks right? They always get ya." Skitza gave the maximum allowable time for people to glare at me, then everyone got kind of bored and turned back to the front. Skitza still could not absolve me in this situation because she had completely lost where she was in the training for some reason and let the room sit in silence as she struggled with life and sanity even though I could have easily told her she was talking about promotion changes and personal accounts. I obviously couldn't make a peep though, as I was the asshole from the infamous noise scandal 10 seconds prior.
Now after a minute or two, i can tell everyone is thinking, "JESUS. We're never gonna get out of here on time". This is funny because when Skitza originally told us about leaving early, everyone was celebratory and banded together as a community of middle aged people who all can relate to wanting to go home even 30 minutes early. HOWEVER, once Skitza started, all ANYONE could do was ask series of never-ending questions that were ridiculous and uncalled for. I'm sitting there thinking, "hey, sweet! if you love leaving early so much, maybe you should just shut your mouth" but i was patient and professional. Amongst this crowd, only one person knew to be quiet and let Skitza go crazy for a few hours and then have lunch. This was of course, Horatio. The problem with him however, was that he was the I.T. guy for all these programs and knew them inside and out. Why he was there, I don't know. Somehow he had not actually gone through official training for application of the program. He took it upon himself to answer everybody's question before Skitza could talk and even answer questions nobody asked. So between the crazy 45 year old biddies and Horatio Sanz, the REAL disturbance was everyone BUT me. If this seminar was a sitcom, it would be a cross between something like "golden girls" and "Horatio Sanz explains it all".
I was getting so restless that when the time came to practice the applications of KRONOS, I was all excited because I could DO anything at all. Now let me say this about our generation. And if you can find one take-home message in this droning story going nowhere make sure it's this:
NO ONE in our PARENT'S generation has any NATURAL competence, intelligence, or skill with computers or programs compared to ANYONE in our generation. Even a guy like me, who has no formal practice, training, or computer knowledge has significantly more ability and skill with any new concept or program thrown at me than anyone else in the room. This is very cool normally because it's just in our generations' make-up and experience. However, when risking an outcome of staying in a hostile office environment until sun-up, it suuuuucks.
Originally, I thought it was funny. Skitza made a joke about how some moron the day before didn't even know how to double-click on a program icon. I thought it was a tremendous laugh. In fact, it was only after my loud, "Haa Haaaaaaaaa yeahhh" that I realized i was the only one laughing and now everyone hated me just a little more. It's cool though, cuz I hated them. As I quite easily picked up different steps of the program, I noticed that everyone was flipping out and yelling at Skitza and each other, freaking out, asking questions quicker than Skitz could answer them. As we tried to move on to different levels of this thing, more and more people found more and more problems. I was so floored with their inability I didn't know what to do with myself. I was falling out of my chair, looking around the room for anyone who could relate to my amazement. I even found myself looking out the window as if some floating superhero would be passing by and go, "yeah tad. these heads are fuckin pathetic."
When I calmed down and just decided to play around in the system, things actually got much worse. I had so much time on my hands that I started changing components and teaching myself new things that Skitz hadn't taught me. There's this piece of every person's account on KRONOS called (not making this up) Collective Operations Benefits Redemption Account, or as it was titled, COBRA. Without thinking or even considering what I was saying, I turn to Jesse the quiet mexican woman and with a cool but animated attitude go, "Hey. Check out my COBRA Status." Why I said that, I don't know. I mean there literally was a data entry called "Cobra status" so maybe subconsciously I thought it was funny. But WHY i blurted it out to Jesse the now frightened and recoiled mexican woman, I have no idea. I just didn't consider the implications. So while I was already the evil outcast to everyone in the room, especially the trainer, I was now also a creepy molester, and it wasn't even lunch time yet.
Things just went downhill from there. Uncomfortable about the cobra situation, I started to get flustered and accidentally kicked the metal desk again. While I got the whole room to look back for a second time, I ignored them and just tried to keep things comfortable with this frightened woman. "Hehe...I have big feet", I state with a shrug. .........a TERRIBLE thing to say to this woman who already thinks i'm a sex offender. I freak out, try to turn back to my computer, and accidentally kick the metal desk again.
It actually gets worse. I couldn't help but find humor in the whole series of events that had already happened. I had made things sooo uncomfortable for myself and there was way too much time left in the seminar. As Skitz goes back to talking, I try to keep my attention squarely on her so she doesn't think i'm any more of a problem. Immediately though, I start holding back laughter as I recap everything that had just happened. Skitz stops mid-sentence and goes, "what's funny?". I was thrown off-guard. I hadn't been put in this situation since highschool I think. What was the protocol back then? Did we say "nothing". Did we make something up? I was frozen. So I just go, "Oh. I'm sorry nothing. I was just thinking about ....umm.....the benefits department." Which was CLEARLY a lie. There's nothing more boring and UNfunny than benefits/payroll. THEN, Skitz continued her rant. "Well I just don't like the shit-eating grin. That's all".............She said that. Verbatim. This is a business seminar. I'm thinking, am I going to get into a brawl with this psycho woman here in my suit and tie?
My job is problem resolution and assorting difficult situations and solutions. I try to ease the situation slowly.
"No skitz. I understand. It was just something funny that I thought of. Completely separate from KRONOS. I apologize"
"Look. I just wanna get through all this so i can make my flight back to Boston at 5:30."
Why don't I ever shut up? Immediately my brain tells me to stay with the conversation.
"Philadelphia international?"
"Yeah. What else would i take?!"
"It LEAVES at 5:30?..........You're never gonna make it."
Well that did it. All hell broke loose. I'm not exaggerating. Skitz flew off the handle. "I know how to drive!! I know how to travel!! i'm from BOSTON! I've made flights in HALF the time!" Some people started trying to give her directions. Some started telling her how to change flights without paying money. One woman starting yelling about how she still couldn't figure out parts to KRONOS, i'm assuming because she feared a breakdown in the seminar.
Well, she was right. Skitz attempted to start the seminar back up, but became flustered and canceled everything by about 3:30. We all passed training and got to leave. It was beautiful. I, the annoying, disruptive, villian of the day had set all these pathetic workers free and become a hero amongst them all. I was very happy with how things turned out. I defeated the evil Skitza and proved my worth with 100% COBRA status.
posted by Anonymous at 1:03 PM
3 Comments:
That was really funny. It made me laugh.
Mmmm. Golden Girls.
tad you rock. G.I. JOEEEE!!!
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