What I learned today.

Today I learned that if you have a cold or mild fever, drinking alcohol provides fantastic relief. I'm going to make a product called Coldaway that is just grain alcohol. It will also be useful for treating small cuts and bruises. Allright, whatever, so I'm a bit drunk.

I take no responsibility for any death or dismemberment inspired by the above recommendations.

Stories for posterity's sake.

Yesterday, I was reminded of some hillarious incidents involving the mother of a friend. He had just told me a funny story about his mom and it reminded me of other hillarious stories about her. First, let me describe his mom, who I shall call Mrs. K. She is a crazy cat lady. Picture it! Enough said.

Anyway, this is the first short story that occurred a few days ago. My friend Ryan was half asleep in his room when his mom walks in and asks if she could use the computer in there. Ryan says fine and she signs on to AOL. After a few minutes of typing and whatnot Ryan hears the buddy sign-on/off noise of the door shutting. At that moment his mom asks up to him (he's sleeping on a loft):

Mrs. K: Ryan, does that noise mean I'm being hacked?!?
Ryan: What? Are you serious?
Mrs. K: That noise...does it mean that someone is in my computer now hacking?
Ryan: Mom, that is ridiculous, you have been using AOL for almost 10 years and you don't know what that sound is?
Mrs. K: Well, I always thought it meant I was being hacked so whenever I heard it I just restarted the computer.

Ryan, who almost exploded in laughter (and also excitment to tell me this story because he knows I love hearing these crazy things), explained about the buddy list and such. So, in summation, for the better part of a decade, whenever one of her buddies had signed on or off she restarted the computer. I just find that funny.

The other hillarious stories I speak of will be recounted sometime later, I'm thirsty.

Dead Birds.

This story about Mrs. K actually involves me. A group of my friends were at Ryan's house doing whatever down in the basement. Tad goes upstairs into the kitchen. A few minutes later I go up into the kitchen to get something to drink. Right as I walk into the kitchen I see Ryan's mom talking to Tad but her back had just turned. For whatever reason, whether it be he thought the conversation was over or he just had enough, right when I get into the kitchen, Tad left the room while Mrs. K continued talking.

So I'm standing there as she turns around and continues talking to me like I was Tad. I smile and nod like I know what she's talking about and try to figure out whats going on. Before I know whats going on she walks over to the freezer and pulls out a dead frozen bird as well as a large blue ziplock bag with about 5 other birds and walks over to me! At that moment, I am half shocked/confused by what is going on and half laughing on the inside beacuse I know this is going to be good. Mrs. K explains further that these birds hit the window and die. She then goes out, collects them and puts them in the freezer. I say, "ahh, well thats a good way to do it". She hands one to me to hold.

I eventually figure out what the hell is going on. Tad tells me the first half of the conversation he was having with her. See, Mrs. K is an amazing painter/sculpter. It is her job. She was painting some birds or something and needed some models to get the positions right so she collected these birds.

Telephones.

This story about Ryan and his mom start out with a normal discussion. Ryan is talking to his mom about something unimportant and blah blah..whatever. They finish talking and Mrs. K goes out of the room and Ryan goes downstairs into his basement. About a minute later another friend, Tad, calls on the phone and Ryan answers quickly since the phone is right next to him.

Ryan: Hello?
Tad: Hey man, whats up?
Ryan: Nothing much, just hanging out.
Mrs. K (who picked up the other phone in the kitchen): Hello?
Ryan: Mom?
Mrs. K: Aaron? (Ryan's brother).
Ryan: No mom, it's me Ryan, can you come pick me up at Tad's house?
Mrs. K: At Tad's house?
Ryan: Yeah, I need a ride back home.

Anyway, this went on for awhile. Tad, on the other line, just kept quiet and listened to the conversation between Ryan, downstairs in the basement, talking to his mom, upstairs in the kitchen. Remember, it was not just a few minutes before they were talking face to face in the living room. Eventually, before Ryan's mom was actually going to leave to pick him up at Tad's Ryan told her that he was actually just downstairs and Tad joined in the conversation.

On a side note, I find it annoying when you answer a phone and then, seemingly 5 seconds later, someone else answers the phone again. If not already, that topic should be part of some stand up comic's routine. They like that kind of nitpicky stuff.

Life Aquatic.

Swamp leeches! Everybody, check for swamp leeches! What? Nobody else got hit? I'm the only one? What's the deal?